Date: Sat, 11 Dec 1999 17:27:20 -0500
From: ARON KAY* <pieman-AT-pieman.org>
Subject: answering machines


ANSWERING MACHINES
(Heard a good one lately? Please contribute.)

   Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the

   world-famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.


   My wife and I can't come to the

   phone right now, but if you'll

   leave your name and number,

   we'll get back to you as soon as

   we're finished.


   ~~~~~


   A is for academics, B is for beer.

   One of those reasons is why

   we're not here. So leave a message


   ~~~~~


   Hi. This is John. If you are the

   phone company, I already sent

   the money.

   If you are my parents, please send

   money. If you are my financial

   aid institution, you didn't lend me

   enough money. If you are my

   friends, you owe me money. If you are a female,

   don't worry, I have plenty of money.


   ~~~~~


   Hi. Now you say something.


   ~~~~~


   Hi, I'm not home right now but my

   answering machine is, so you

   can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.


   ~~~~~


   Hello. I am David's answering

   machine. What are you?


   ~~~~~


   (From a Japanese man in Toronto:)

   He-ro! This is Sato. If you

   leave message, I call you soon. If you

   leave sexy message, I call sooner!


   ~~~~~


   Hi! John's answering machine is

   broken. This is his refrigerator.

   Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick

   your message to myself with

   one of these magnets.


   ~~~~~


   Hello, this is Sally's microwave.

   Her answering machine just

   eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with

   taking her calls. Say, if you

   want anything cooked while you leave your

   message, just hold it up to

   the phone.


   ~~~~~


   Hello, you are talking to a machine.

   I am capable of receiving messages.

   My owners do not need siding, windows,

   or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean.

   They give to charity through their office

   and do not need their picture taken.

   If you're still with me, leave your name and

   number and they will get back to you.


   ~~~~~


   This is not an answering

   machine-this is a telepathic

   thought-recording device. After the tone,

   think about your name, your

   reason for calling and a number where I can

   reach you, and I'll think about

   returning your call.


   ~~~~~


   Hi. I am probably home. I'm just

   avoiding someone I don't like.

   Leave me a message, and if I don't call back,

   it's you.


   ~~~~~


   Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I

   can't answer the phone right now.

   Leave a message, and then wait by your phone

   until I call you back.


   ~~~~~


   If you are a burglar, then we're

   probably at home cleaning our

   weapons right now and can't come to the

   phone. Otherwise, we probably

   aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.



   You're growing tired. Your eyelids

   are getting heavy. You feel

   very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your

   willpower and your ability to resist

   suggestions. When you hear the tone

   you will feel helplessly compelled to

   leave your name, number, and a message.


   ~~~~~


   Please leave a message. However,

   you have the right to remain silent.

   Everything you say will be recorded

   and will be used by us.


-- 
ARON KAY
please visit me at http://www.pieman.org
Visit http://www.acidtrip.com
IGNORANCE IS THE OPIATE  OF THE MASSES	
ICQ# 1042567
aol instant message=pieman1024