From: "Dennis Soper" <dsoper-AT-clipper.net>
Date: Fri, 31 Mar 2000 07:57:33 -0800
Subject: (Fwd) The God Survey


<color><param>0100,0100,0100</param>Take the God survery-- enjoy!


Cheers,

Dennis

------- Forwarded message follows -------


<color><param>7F00,0000,0000</param>Subject:  God Survey


God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage.  In order to better 

serve your needs, God asks that you take a few moments to answer the 

following questions:


Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely

confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address 

unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.


1. How did you find out about your Deity?


___ Newspaper


___ Bible


___ Torah


___ Book of Mormon


___ Koran


___ Divine inspiration


___ Dead Sea scrolls


___ My mama done tol' me


___ Near-death experience


___ Near-life experience


___ National Public Radio


___ Tabloid


___ Burning shrubbery


___ Other (specify): __________________



2. Which model Deity did you acquire?


___ Yahweh


___ Allah


___ Krishna


___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak)


___ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pak)


___ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pak)


___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature


___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god.



3. Did your god come to you undamaged, with all parts in good

working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?


___ Yes


___ No


If not, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.  Please 

indicate all that apply:


___ Not eternal


___ Not omniscient


___ Not omnipotent


___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe


___ Permits sex outside of marriage


___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage


___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)


___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched


___ Requires burnt offerings


___ Requires virgin sacrifices


___ Plays dice with the universe



4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a Deity?

Please check all that apply.


___ Indoctrinated by parents


___ Indoctrinated by society


___ Needed a reason to live


___ Needed focus on whom to despise


___ Needed a day away from work


___ Needed to feel morally superior


___ Graduated from the tooth fairy


___ Wanted to meet girls/boys


___ Fear of death


___ Wanted to piss off parents


___ Like organ music


___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it



5. Have you ever worshipped a Deity before? If so, by which false

god were you fooled? Please check all that apply.


___ Mick Jagger


___ Bill Gates


___ Baal


___ Beelzebub


___ Ra


___ The Great Spirit


___ The Great Pumpkin


___ The almighty dollar


___ Left-wing liberalism


___ Right-wing radicalism


___ Elvis


___ Cindy Crawford


___ Chocolate


___ Burning shrubbery


___ Other: _______________________________



6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition

to God? Please check all that apply.


___ Tarot


___ Astrology


___ Palmistry


___ Tea leaves


___ Dianetics


___ Fortune cookies


___ Psychic Friends Network


___ Self-help books


___ Sex, drugs, rock and roll


___ Biorhythms


___ Alcohol


___ Bill Clinton


___ Jimmy Swaggert


___ CompuServe


</color>___ Linux


<color><param>7F00,0000,0000</param>___ Burning shrubbery


___ Other: ________________________________



7. God employs a limited degree of divine intervention to preserve

the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you

prefer?


(circle one)


     a. More divine intervention


     b. Less divine intervention


     c. Current level of divine intervention is just right


     d. Don't know -- What's divine intervention?



8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and

miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 God's handling of the following:


     (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):


     Disaster:


     		1 2 3 4 5 flood


		1 2 3 4 5 famine


		1 2 3 4 5 earthquake


		1 2 3 4 5 war


		1 2 3 4 5 pestilence


		1 2 3 4 5 plague


		1 2 3 4 5 AOL


		1 2 3 4 5 Republican Congress


		1 2 3 4 5 Jerry Lewis


	Miracles:


		1 2 3 4 5 rescues


		1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions


		1 2 3 4 5 crying statues


		1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine


		1 2 3 4 5 walking on water


		1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks



9. Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5

	(1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):


	God's Courtesy


		1 2 3 4 5


	Are your spiritual needs being met?


		1 2 3 4 5



10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving

the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.)


If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of

our conveniently located drop-off boxes by April 1, you will be entered

in the "One Free Miracle of Your Choice" drawing chances of winning are

approximately one in 6.023 x 10^23, depending on the number of contestants 

</color>entered..






<nofill>
"Custard pies are a sort of esperanto: a  universal language." 
                     --Noel Godin