From: "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <a018967t-AT-bc.seflin.org>
Subject: Melvin Durai's Humor Column
Date: Sat, 08 Jul 2000 17:24:36 -0400


George W. Bush and Al Gore, the
presumptive nominees of the Republican
and Democratic parties, will soon make the
most important decision of their presidential
campaigns: whether or not to seek an
endorsement from Elian Gonzalez.

Actually, that would be the second-most
important decision. The most important
decision, aside from what tax breaks to
promise voters, is whom to pick as a
running mate -- a young white male
politician or an old white male politician.

That is indeed a tough decision, because
America has scores of white male
politicians, so many that the lobbyists keep
having to order new checkbooks. Some of
these politicians are so eager to be vice
president, they’d be willing to stand on
stage at the national convention, before
family and friends and millions of television
viewers, and hold hands with Al Gore. Yes,
they would hold his hand without even trying
to imply that they support gay rights. A few
others are so desperate, they’d be willing to
listen to Bush talk about foreign policy --
without rolling on the floor in laughter.

A handful of non-white and female
politicians are also eager to serve as vice
president, but picking any of them would be
a gutsy move for Bush and Gore. Especially
Bush, who’s leading in the polls and hasn’t
taken any big risks in his life, aside from
getting married.

Even a qualified woman like Elizabeth Dole
is somehow viewed as a risk -- though she
has learned a lot from her distinguished
husband, Bob, whose losing presidential
slogans in 1996, "Vote for Bob" and
"Victory for Bob," have evolved into a single
winning slogan: "Viagra for Bob."

Only one presidential nominee from a major
party has ever had the guts to pick a female
running mate. And that nominee, like a few
other trailblazers in American history, has
been rewarded by having his name totally
forgotten. I think it was Wondale or Mondale
or something like that. Poor guy was trying
to unseat the great Ronald Reagan and was
desperate to try anything, even a female
politician. Reagan, on the other hand, was
so popular, he could have won with Bart
Simpson as his running mate. Perhaps
even O.J. Simpson.

Of course, picking a running mate involves
a lot more strategy than people realize. In
1960, for example, John F. Kennedy wisely
picked Lyndon Johnson to help him win the
southern states, especially Texas. This year,
George W. Bush is wisely seeking a running
mate who can help him win the northern
states, especially Canada. No wonder
Michael J. Fox quit "Spin City." A Bush-Fox
ticket would be unstoppable.

A running mate can also broaden a platform
and help draw a spectrum of voters. That’s
why former President Gerald R. Ford
recently encouraged Bush to consider an
abortion rights advocate as his running
mate. Bush is pro-life, his running mate
would be pro-choice and together they
could draw more than the usual amount of
pro-fanity.

A running mate can make or break you.
Just ask Ross Perot. In 1992, after
consulting a few of his Martian friends, the
billionaire picked a running mate named
Admiral Stockdale. During a vice
presidential debate, Stockdale, perhaps
awed by the presence of Dan Quayle and
Al Gore, uttered those unforgettable words:
"Who am I? Why am I here?"

You are James B. Stockdale and you are
here to make Ross Perot seem normal.
Call it a mission impossible.

--------------------------------------------------------
Melvin Durai is a Shippensburg, Pa.-based
writer and  humorist. A native of India, he grew up
in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the
early 1980s.