Date: Fri, 20 Oct 2000 22:09:43 -0500
From: danceswithcarp <dcombs-AT-bloomington.in.us>
Subject: Fwd: 



>(I think its Dave Barry...but can't be sure).
>
>For those who didn't have time to watch the presidential debate, we've
>prepared this transcript of what was said.  Enjoy.
>
>  Jim Lehrer: Welcome to the second presidential debate between Vice
>President Al Gore and Gov. George W. Bush. The candidates have agreed on
>these rules: I will ask a question. The candidate will ignore the
>question and deliver rehearsed remarks designed to appeal to undecided
>women voters.
>The opponent will then have one minute to respond by trying to frighten
>senior citizens into voting for him. When a speaker's time has expired,
>I
>will whimper softly while he continues to spew incomprehensible
>statistics
>for three more minutes.Let's start with the vice president. Mr. Gore,
>can you give us the name of a downtrodden citizen and then tell us his
>or her story in a way that strains the bounds of common sense?
>
>Gore: As I was saying to Tipper last night after we tenderly kissed the
>way we
>have so often during the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage, the
>downtrodden have a clear choice in this election.  My opponent wants to
>cut taxes for the richest 1% of Americans. I, on the other hand, want to
>put the richest 1% in an ironclad lockbox so they can't hurt old people
>like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here tonight. Mrs. Frampinhamper has
>been selling her internal organs, one by one, to pay for gas so that she
>can travel to these debates and personify problems for me. Also, her
>poodle has arthritis.
>
>Lehrer: Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.
>
>Bush: Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging people, crying
>with
>them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity exists.  I want
>to
>empower those crying people to make their own decisions, unlike my
>opponent, whose mother is not Barbara Bush.
>
>Lehrer: Let's turn to foreign affairs.  Gov. Bush, if Slobodan Milosevic
>were to
>launch a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able to
>pronounce his name?
>
>Bush: The current administration had eight years to deal with that guy
>and
>didn't get it done.  If I'm elected, the first thing would do about that
>guy is have Dick Cheney confer with our allies. And then Dick would
>present me several options for dealing with that guy. And then Dick
>would
>tell me which one to choose. You know, as governor of Texas, I have to
>make tough foreign policy decisions every day about how we're going to
>deal with New Mexico.
>
>Lehrer:  Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.
>
>Gore: Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly interested
>in.  I
>served my country in Vietnam.  I had an uncle who was a victim of poison
>gas in World War I. I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War. And
>when that war was over, I came home and tenderly kissed Tipper in a way
>that any undecided woman voter would find romantic.  If I'm entrusted
>with the office of president, I pledge to deal knowledgeably with any
>threat, foreign or domestic, by putting it in an ironclad lockbox.
>Because the American people deserve a president who can comfort them
>with simple metaphors.
>
>Lehrer:  Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social Security
>system?
>
>Gore:  It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe Lieberman and I have
>proposed
>changing the laws of mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to every
>senior citizen without having it cost the federal treasury a single
>penny
>until the year 2250.  In addition, my budget commits $60 trillion over
>the next 10 years to guarantee that all senior citizens can have drugs
>delivered free to their homes every Monday by a federal employee who
>will also help them with the child-proof cap.
>
>Lehrer:  Gov. Bush?
>
>Bush:  That's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of Texas, I have
>to do math every day. I have to add up the numbers and decide whether
>I'm going to fill potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit funds
>to reroof the sheep barn at the Texas state fairgrounds.
>
>Lehrer:  It's time for closing statements.  Mr. Gore, you can start.
>
>Gore:  I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting politician, but I
>will
>fight for the working families of America, in addition to turning the
>White House into a lusty pit of marital love for Tipper and me.
>
>Bush: It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past by electing no
>one but Republicans.
>
>Lehrer: Good night.