Date: Thu, 30 Nov 2000 12:52:18 From: Mitchel Cohen <mitchelcohen-AT-mindspring.com> Subject: Dr Seuss (Revised) Has anyone but me thought that this is all preparation for the invasion of Chad -- the African country replete with a multi-billion dollar World Bank funded oil pipeline, and an extensive Green resistance to it? At any rate, This parody came by email, anonymous. I changed a few of the lines To reset the temper of the times, including the end. Feel free To revise and revise until we get it just right -- Participatory Poetic Democracy .... goodnight. - Mitchel Cohen (With respects to Theodor S. Geisel.) Some Chads Down in Chad-ville Liked voting a lot ... But the Grinch, Who lived just north of Chad-ville Did NOT! The Grinch hated voting! He thought it a bore. Now, please don't ask why. Could be Bush, could be Gore. It could be his heart bled with liberal mush. It could be, perhaps, that he listened to Rush. But I think the real reason his trust was so shattered Was the great Grinchy view that his vote never mattered. BUT Whatever the reason, Lack of trust, lack of goals, The Grinch dreaded that day when Chads went to the polls. He just hated those speeches and negative ads, And when push came to shove, he just hated the Chads. He just hated their theme parks, their football-team rooters, He just hated their gun laws, their barmaids at Hooters. He hated their spraying insecticide toxins, He hated their stucco'd verandas, a pox on Their weather, even hated their hate. And he hated that they were a battleground state. "So they're making their choices," he snarled with a sneer. "This 'Decision Two Thousand' is practically here! "They'll struggle to choose 'tween a crumb and a bum, " 'Cause a voter's a voter, no matter how dumb." Then he growled, his Grinch fingers nervously drumming, "I MUST find a way to keep outcomes from coming!" For tomorrow, he knew ... All the flag-waving souls, Would again waste their efforts on Clintons or Doles. And by then, oh, the polls! Oh, the polls! Polls! Polls! Polls! That's the one thing he hated! The POLLS! POLLS! POLLS! POLLS! So the Chads, rich and poor, and by bus, car, or boat, They would vote! And they'd vote! And they'd VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! They would vote to ban smoking or clearing your throat. They would even vote laws in for curbing your goat. And THEN ... They'd sing that anthem. It always came later. Be they Bush-ites or Gore-ites or ites of Ralph Nader. They'd stand close together, and though still full of fight, They'd stand and they'd sing, by that dawn's early light. And the more the Grinch thought of Election Day's ring, The more the Grinch thought, "I must stop this whole thing! "Why, for two hundred years I've put up with it now! "I MUST stop these outcomes from coming! "... But HOW?" Then he got an idea! Yes, a legal idea! THE GRINCH GOT AN AWFUL BUT LEGAL IDEA! "I know just what to do!" The Grinch laughed with a jig. And he wove from his goat a Sam Donaldson wig. And into the mirror he spoke with grand rancor, "With this helmet of hair, they'll all think I'm an anchor!" "All I need are some ballots ..." The Grinch looked around. But since ballots were private, there were none to be found. So he made his own ballot, printing letters quite little, And he scattered the names, running holes down the middle, And he stuck it together with Chad-berry spittle. And he said, "They'll need Einstein to figure this riddle!" THEN He loaded his boxes, and without looking nervous Put a sign on his van that said "Voter News Service." THEN The Grinch pulled away in his van with a screech Toward the pads of the Chads in a place called "Palm Beach." When he came to the first polling place in the square, All the lines were quite long. Thoughtful talk filled the air, As the Chads chatted merits of universal health care. "Vote early and often," the Grinch said with a grin. And he marched to the front of the line and stepped in. There he left all his ballots, the strange ones with punches, And instructions that said, "Please punch punches in bunches." As he slunk out the door toward the nearest Grand Hyatt, He could hear what you'd think was an EliŠn riot. The Cohens? sisters Esther, Mitzi, and Shannon, Just realized that their votes had all gone to Buchanan! At a place in Dade County near a middle-school yard, The Grinch noted a man, a "Polling Place Guard" Who eyeballed each Chad and said, "Where is your card? "You're a Vulcan, you must show it: Credit card? Diner's? "Face card? Race card? Baseball card? Shriners?" And he stole thousands of votes, even Mr. Spock's, And stuffed all of the ballots and locked the lockbox! Then old Grinch returned home to go "LIVE" on TV. He had waited quite late: (It was now eight oh three.) So the Grinch Network News first projected a score: "Now with one percent in, we pick Chad-ville for GORE." Every Gore-ite in Chad-ville said, "GIVE US SOME MORE!" So he pulled more projections straight out of his stack. Then, "Oh, dear!" said the Grinch, "I must take it all back!" So the Grinch Network News, in grand fairness to all Now reported that Chad-ville was "TOO CLOSE TO CALL." "Don't be mad, all you Chads, for this isn't a scandal, "It was just," the Grinch said, "we forgot the Panhandle. "The science of sampling can leave one out-simpled." So the Chads were left hanging and pregnant and dimpled. The new Heir Apparent? King George Bush the Pimpled! Then the Grinch raised a finger for the night's final push. "Election Day's done, and the winner is BUSH." After all, George was leading at least by a dozen. (And whenever it's close, always go with your cousin.) "Play the music, the songs, pop the corks, sing the praises, " 'Cause with Bush as the winner, you're all getting raises!" And then the Grinch yawned, "This election stuff's hokey, Good-bye 'till next year! And now back to you, Cokie." And the Grinch, he went back to his old Grinchy pad. But en route, he was nabbed by a little Chad lad Who had stayed up all night (quite ignoring his dad). He stared at the Grinch and said, "Sir, who's our leader? "Is it Bush? Nader? Gore? Or, my choice, Derek Jeter?" And the Grinch simply smiled: This day couldn't be sweeter. They were finding out now that no outcome was coming! They were seeing it now, all their dumbness and dumbing. "They're just waking up!" he said. "Here's what they'll do! "Their mouths will hang open a minute or two "And the Chads down in Chad-ville will all cry, 'WE'LL SUE!' " As he stared down at Chad-ville, the Grinch popped his eyes, But the scene that he saw brought a shocking surprise. All the Chads down in Chad-ville, Chad lassies and lads, They were counting the votes, they were counting the chads! They swept chads from the floor into quite a small mountain But no matter how many they counted they'd "find" more to be countin^“ ^”Count^“m again^‘ the Goreboss tried hard to relate For they^“d found some for Nader(!) on the floor of the debate From which he was banned, democracy^“s gasp, ^”Don^“t let anyone hear him! The deal^“s within our grasp!^‘ The Grinch hadn't stopped an outcome from coming. IT CAME! SOMEHOW OR ANOTHER, IT CAME JUST THE SAME! As the Grinch with his head buried deep in the sand Sat puzzling and puzzling, "They will count them by hand?" Yes, it came with the lawsuits, it came with the lawyers, It came with Tim Russert, it came with Bill Moyers. When the ballots were plucked and the counting was done The last margin of victory turned out to be ... ONE! And if the Grinch had just voted, ... HIS GUY WOULD HAVE WON! ^”But who cares, it^“s all bullshit, this is much much more fun!^‘ And the Grinch thought of government, of all those who ran it: "Their deal's been cemented, we just take it for granite -- Let^“s tie them in knots for the sake of the planet, Let^“s let NO ONE WIN, for the sake of the planet!"
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