From: "Heather" <Heather-AT-teknopunx.co.uk>
Subject: Re: We  _Can_  Stop This War
Date: Thu, 13 Feb 2003 11:28:15 -0000


Dearest Bart, this had me and John rolling around in tears of laughter and
goes into my "best posts ever" folder. Thankyou dear one for cheering us up
on a very grey dreich Scots morn
all my love
H
(you did compose this yourself, didn't you?-can I pass it on?)

----- Original Message -----
From: "Unka Bart" <gatorojo-AT-earthlink.net>
To: "Iain McKay" <iain.mckay-AT-zetnet.co.uk>; "Free Spirits"
<anarchy-list-AT-lists.village.virginia.edu>
Sent: Wednesday, February 12, 2003 11:08 PM
Subject: Re: We _Can_ Stop This War


>hello all
>
>danceswithcarp wrote:
>> Well, yeah, it could.   France could come in with us and surrender.
>
>Bloody French. Why don't they just do what the Americans want? How
>inconsiderate, actually practicing liberty during this great war for
>freedom! And they don't speak English (opps, sorry, neither do most
>yanks!).
>
>I'm off to eat some "fromage et pain". Vive La France!
>
>Iain

Well, since you bring the matter up, this old soldier must chime in and
express my undying gratitude to the French for not joining in.

It's about time someone else had to have them on their side in a war.

I personally oppose inflicting war on the Iraqis just to get Saddam, but
at least we won't have to be saddled with the froggies in this one.

After all, consider French military history:


- Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years
of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic
who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's
armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

- Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever
lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages
to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other
participants started ignoring her.

- War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
chapeaux.

- The Dutch War - Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War Lost,
but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the
world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their
first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future
Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far
more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the
Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of
the fighting."

- French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was
also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First
Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a
British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk
Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the
United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not
only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly,
widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in
the French bloodline.

- World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and
Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with
the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army
by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First
Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is
identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English,
Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders
to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese
ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not
be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France
collapses?"

NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an
accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

yer kindly ol' Unka Bart