Date: Sat, 15 Mar 2003 22:10:22 -0600
From: Sandi and Scott Spaeth <vespass-AT-swbell.net>
Subject: The Onion for January 18, 2001...


Bush: "Our long national nightmare of peace and prosperity is finally over."


WASHINGTON, DC—Mere days from assuming the presidency and closing the door 
on eight years of Bill Clinton, president-elect George W. Bush assured the 
nation in a televised address Tuesday that "our long national nightmare of 
peace and prosperity is finally over."
"My fellow Americans," Bush said, "at long last, we have reached the end of 
the dark period in American history that will come to be known as the 
Clinton Era, eight long years characterized by unprecedented economic 
expansion, a sharp decrease in crime, and sustained peace overseas. The 
time has come to put all of that behind us."
Bush swore to do "everything in [his] power" to undo the damage wrought by 
Clinton's two terms in office, including selling off the national parks to 
developers, going into massive debt to develop expensive and impractical 
weapons technologies, and passing sweeping budget cuts that drive the 
mentally ill out of hospitals and onto the street.
During the 40-minute speech, Bush also promised to bring an end to the 
severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens 
that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in 
the next four years.
"You better believe we're going to mix it up with somebody at some point 
during my administration," said Bush, who plans a 250 percent boost in 
military spending. "Unlike my predecessor, I am fully committed to putting 
soldiers in battle situations. Otherwise, what is the point of even having 
a military?"
On the economic side, Bush vowed to bring back economic stagnation by 
implementing substantial tax cuts, which would lead to a recession, which 
would necessitate a tax hike, which would lead to a drop in consumer 
spending, which would lead to layoffs, which would deepen the recession 
even further.
Wall Street responded strongly to the Bush speech, with the Dow Jones 
industrial fluctuating wildly before closing at an 18-month low. The NASDAQ 
composite index, rattled by a gloomy outlook for tech stocks in 2001, also 
fell sharply, losing 4.4 percent of its total value between 3 p.m. and the 
closing bell.
Asked for comment about the cooling technology sector, Bush said: "That's 
hardly my area of expertise."
Turning to the subject of the environment, Bush said he will do whatever it 
takes to undo the tremendous damage not done by the Clinton Administration 
to the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. He assured citizens that he will 
follow through on his campaign promise to open the 1.5 million acre 
refuge's coastal plain to oil drilling. As a sign of his commitment to 
bringing about a change in the environment, he pointed to his choice of 
Gale Norton for Secretary of the Interior. Norton, Bush noted, has 
"extensive experience" fighting environmental causes, working as a lobbyist 
for lead-paint manufacturers and as an attorney for loggers and miners, in 
addition to suing the EPA to overturn clean-air standards.
Bush had equally high praise for Attorney General nominee John Ashcroft, 
whom he praised as "a tireless champion in the battle to protect a woman's 
right to give birth."
"Soon, with John Ashcroft's help, we will move out of the Dark Ages and 
into a more enlightened time when a woman will be free to think long and 
hard before trying to fight her way past throngs of protesters blocking her 
entrance to an abortion clinic," Bush said. "We as a nation can look 
forward to lots and lots of babies."
Continued Bush: "John Ashcroft will be invaluable in healing the terrible 
wedge President Clinton drove between church and state."
The speech was met with overwhelming approval from Republican leaders.
"Finally, the horrific misrule of the Democrats has been brought to a 
close," House Majority Leader Dennis Hastert (R-IL) told reporters. "Under 
Bush, we can all look forward to military aggression, deregulation of 
dangerous, greedy industries, and the defunding of vital domestic 
social-service programs upon which millions depend. Mercifully, we can now 
say goodbye to the awful nightmare that was Clinton's America."
"For years, I tirelessly preached the message that Clinton must be 
stopped," conservative talk-radio host Rush Limbaugh said. "And yet, in 
1996, the American public failed to heed my urgent warnings, re-electing 
Clinton despite the fact that the nation was prosperous and at peace under 
his regime. But now, thank God, that's all done with. Once again, we will 
enjoy mounting debt, jingoism, nuclear paranoia, mass deficit, and a 
massive military build-up."
An overwhelming 49.9 percent of Americans responded enthusiastically to the 
Bush speech.
"After eight years of relatively sane fiscal policy under the Democrats, we 
have reached a point where, just a few weeks ago, President Clinton said 
that the national debt could be paid off by as early as 2012," Rahway, NJ, 
machinist and father of three Bud Crandall said. "That's not the kind of 
world I want my children to grow up in."
"You have no idea what it's like to be black and enfranchised," said Marlon 
Hastings, one of thousands of Miami-Dade County residents whose votes were 
not counted in the 2000 presidential election. "George W. Bush understands 
the pain of enfranchisement, and ever since Election Day, he has fought 
tirelessly to make sure it never happens to my people again."
Bush concluded his speech on a note of healing and redemption.
"We as a people must stand united, banding together to tear this nation in 
two," Bush said. "Much work lies ahead of us: The gap between the rich and 
the poor may be wide, be there's much more widening left to do. We must 
squander our nation's hard-won budget surplus on tax breaks for the 
wealthiest 15 percent. And, on the foreign front, we must find an enemy and 
defeat it."
"The insanity is over," Bush said. "After a long, dark night of peace and 
stability, the sun is finally rising again over America. We look forward to 
a bright new dawn not seen since the glory days of my dad."

cheers,
scott