From: "Heather" <Heather-AT-teknopunx.co.uk> Subject: NYC: Supplies to Get Should War Come Next Week Date: Tue, 18 Mar 2003 20:50:36 -0000 NYC: Supplies to Get Should War Come Next Week > Osama has said that, if Hussein is the little Satan, the U.S. > is the big one and should be dealt with accordingly when we attack > Iraq. We know this because his last communication was widely > circulated by our Homeland Security outfit to alert the El Qaeda > guys when and how to do it. So . . . > > Every NYC household ought to take the following precautionary > steps: > > 1) In case our NYC water supplies are either disrupted or > polluted with deadly poisons, which are probably widespread on the > open market now, thanks to our liberal distributions of same to our > minions such as Saddam during the Reagan years, be sure to order in > several cases of beer or wine -- your beverage of choice. Might as > well have a good party while NYC burns. Later you can begin the > long trek elsewhere. However, be forewarned about heading north > towards Ithaca. I recall the Ithaca Journal publishing an article > back when to the effect that they would be assigned 100,000 NYC > refugees, should we get nuked and make it that far. The next week > the paper was barraged with letters -- including one from the local > head of the NRA -- indicating that we New York City folk certainly > would not be welcomed and would be met at the Tompkins County line > by a militia armed with rifles and other assorted weapons to > persuade us to depart elsewhere. Why else do you think the NRA > defends the rights of individuals to possess any weapon smaller > than a B-2 Bomber? > > 2) In the advent of a chemical or biological weapons attack, > make sure you have on hand enough tall kitchen bags for all family > residents, including pets. Better to die gasping for the remnants > of good clean American air in your bag than to inhale that Al Qaeda > stuff. You can tie up any who resist your benevolent assistance > with that left over duct tape they had you buy a couple of weeks > back -- sturdy stuff for restraining people or animals. > > 3) In case Indian Point is blown or one of those suitcase > nukes, which were allegedly floating around the former Soviet > Republics, hits Brooklyn or Queens use either remedy or both in > sequence above. Besides who cares about being a bit radioactive. > Saves heating bills if one is already warmed by radiation. What do > you think a halo is anyway? If an afterlife is inevitable -- one > might as well be well lit. Hah! Hah! > > 4) Purchase multiple boxes of Band-Aids. These will offer > cosmetic relief, should the pox or some other comparable plague > hit. Can begin using immediately so as to set a new fashion style > to prepare us so that the survivors can stand the sight of their > horribly disfigured bodies. Some of us who had the shots as kids > know how messy the holes are. > > 4) Probably you can skip excess food supplies. Most > Americans are overweight anyway these days and can stand a > guaranteed reducing diet that requires no special exercise apart > from opening refrigerator doors and cabinets to discover any > fragments of leftovers still undiscovered. If things get > particularly grim, we can resort to Swift's modest proposal and > solve our school funding problems, too. Manifestly Americans would > prefer to kill Iraqis to caring for their kids anyway. Look at the > way they are lining up on this war paid for out of school funds > and medicine for kids. > > Gosh! I'm sure I have left out some things. I don't happen to > own a car, but if you are worried about gassing up, forget it. I > imagine that the bridges and tunnels will be the first things to go > and there will be no point in running down to the village market or > whatever. It is sure to be pillaged with the first sign of trouble. > > Whatever, think small. The homeless have been making it pretty well > without most of the 'luxuries' above. In our 'hood (Riverside Park) > they take shelter in the Amtrak tunnel running beneath. Best move > is probably to adopt a homeless person to show you how to make it > while they are still available. Learn how to beg and survive on > limited resources. > > Better sign off now before Homeland Security comes by to steal all > these nifty suggestions or whatever. Wonder where Bushy and crew > are planning to hide out through all the rough going? Probably > have a nicely laid out shelter somewhere with all the fixings. > Seems that was where they were headed 9/11, so I am told. Always > good to have a special refuge arranged paid for by the tax payers -- > while they are still around to pay such. > > Oh well. Our ancestors came out of caves. Back we go. The > strongest will probably survive to start this whole deadly process > over again. Isn't this what our neo-Cons tell us? Or are the > apocalypse types possibly on to something. Suppose we might just end > off the human race in one fell swipe. Know any friendly angels? > > See ya around. > -- > Ed Kent
Display software: ArchTracker © Malgosia Askanas, 2000-2005