From: "Toshiro Mifune" <mrina73-AT-hotmail.com>
Subject: Re: multi-orgasmic
Date: Wed, 10 Mar 1999 22:08:15 PST


Hello again Marsha,

Now that I think about it, the non-sexual areas of my life are where I 
am the least hopeful, desperate and superstitious though I am very 
concerned about the risks of pregnancy and sexually transmitted 
diseases.  Whenever I worry, or become hopeful, and superstitious, it 
usually pertains to things that are outside the realm of sex.  I worried 
about my grades in university, because I often wasn't very hardworking 
whenever the subject matter didn't interest me.  Of course it was all my 
fault.  I worried about whether I would graduate, the health of my 
parents, my own health, etc etc.  But it was seldom, if at all, ever 
about sex and eroticism.

My life,as I have always known it, has been filled with eroticism.  I 
will spare you the details now, and if this thread goes on long enough 
maybe more details will trickle out of me.    

"To a very large degree, dominion through sex worked. Of course, in the 
process, it can be noted that I have been married to two men who were 
diagnosed with chronic and deadly diseases shortly after marrying me." 

"Damn, I was good! You have to admit. What a woman!" 

"You have to laugh, Toshiro. Please laugh."

HAhahahahahah you must be the Black Widow, or Death.

"What I came to understand was that the times that I was most desperate 
were the times that I was most hopeful, therefore, most dominated by 
sex. I am forty six years old. I can tell you that many people mistake 
my age for thirty six or thirty eight but, to me, that sounds false. I 
have no idea how I look. However, I may look--sixty or thirty six--I 
know my experience. Therefore, I have reasoned that hope is desperation. 
If I am not desperate,I have no hope nor need for hope. I have 
determined that I will not place myself in such a position of 
desperation again. I will not be emotionally destitute and I will not be 
dominated."

"Does that make sense? It does to me. I would like knowing that I have
adequately conveyed the thought to you."

Yes it does make sense, but not completely.  I don't fully understand, 
and perhaps I _doubt_ how you can ever "determine that you will not 
place yourself in a postition of desperation again", because even if I 
say "fuck it" to whatever greater force (chance, fate, destiny) out 
there, I find that I am still given these little notices of worry.  My 
eyes twitches sometimes, and according to Chinese belief, each twitch 
mean something, and generally, if one's left eye twitches, it is 
fortune, and calamity, if it is the right eye.  I've reasoned it with 
myself as far as these twitches go, and I reasoned that if right eye 
twitches are telling me in advance of a forthcoming calamity, surely it 
is a "good" thing.  Doesn't this then render the twitches senseless?  I 
feel a little like a fool already, giving these weird descriptions about 
God knows what.  Because the truth is, how many times am I going to flip 
it around in my head?  So out of irritation I say "fuck it" and if this 
greater wants to fuck me up nothing will stop it, so why worry about it?
 
In short, I surrender, and by surrendering I defeat worry.

But in your case Marsha, perhaps it is an indication of your mental 
strength, which I still lack.

  
"And now for some queries, Marsha.
Do you still feel the pangs of lust and desire?"

"Yes. But those pangs do not have the importance that I once delegated 
to them."

"Do you still get horny?"

"I do but I attach no importance to it. I used to attach emotional
significance to my sexuality. I no longer attach any significance to it 
at all." 

You are so fucking stubborn and obstinate.  You want to fight everything 
till the very end.  But you are flesh and blood, and I am very 
interested in what you do with your horniness.  Your 
stubborness/obstinacy reminds me of Yuddy, a character from the movie 
Days of Being Wild.  Yuddy has spent almost his entire life trying to 
find out about the identity of his biological mother, and in the process 
engages his adopted mother in this extremely cruel and bitter emotional 
warfare.  He does find out in the end, and he travels to the Phillipines 
all alone to find his real mother only to be told by the servant that 
there is no such person residing there.  And there is this scene where 
he walks away, and his voice-over asserts that though the servant said 
that she is not there, as I walk away I can feel a pair of eyes looking 
at my back.  But I will never turn around, because since she didn't 
afford me the chance to see her face, I too will never afford her a 
chance to see my face.  And all this time he is walking away with his 
back facing us, defiant till the end, and as the speed of the film 
changes(his steps seemingly become heavier in slow-motion) the music 
comes on.  I wish I could describe the music but I can't.  I really wish 
you will watch this film Marsha, but where you are I think it will be 
very difficult to find a copy.  Perhaps I will send you a copy in vcd 
format when I can.

You are defiant Marsha, very defiant, and so defiant I'm not really sure 
whether it's a good thing, or bad.  Surely it is a bad thing if being 
defiant is all you are, with zero cheerlessness.  But I think you are 
nothing like this, am I right?   

"In some ways, I admit that I would, very much, enjoy believing in the
fallacy of love. How lovely is delusion if you can make it last!! This 
is why I sincerely wish all the best for Ariosto and Stacey. I have no 
faith but I wish them well.  Splash, splash in the sea--rots uv ruck. I 
think they should name a daughter after me--Shaheena-Faizi Raggo. I have 
this uncanny gift for matchmaking. I only have to breathe on a man and a 
woman comes forth to claim him. Works like a charm. Shall I breathe on 
you, Toshiro?"

You can breathe all you want on me Marsha, [but?] I am already happily 
in love with the girl from ipanema.  She possesses an unbearable 
lightness of being that you and I and all intellectually driven people 
are cut off from.  I am trying to have both, this lightness and weight 
at the same time.  This simultaneous softness and hardness.  Perhaps 
this is why I find androgyny so appealing.  Do you think my written 
voice is very feminine?  Perhaps this was the reason why Ariosto called 
me a fag.

And a fag I am not.  I love women too much to ever become fully 
homosexual.  I flirt with men but I am not very attracted to the idea 
and the actual act of buggery. Otherwise I am extremely comfortable when 
it comes to bodily contact with other men.  

(talk about worrying and being superstitious and hopeful --- right now I 
am worried that all that I have written so far will somehow become lost 
as a result of an electrical flux, pc malfunction, etc. hahahahah but I 
can always laugh of course, so FUCK IT if I do lose it all)

Marsha if you really wanna breathe on me, breathe and make me and my gf 
a slave girl who will be the willing subject of our sexual games.  Make 
her emotionally stable, disease-free, safe, smart, insatiable, darker 
skinned asian, appealing to me and my gf, equipped with a pair of 
shapely buttocks, long legs, petite, and bullet nipples(large breasts 
optional).  Oh and she must have a full head of luxuriant black hair, a 
very sweet smile and very engaging eyes.  Is this too tall an order? 
   
"Unfortunately, I know better. I think that, once you have come 
face-to-face with delusional thinking or false feeling, there is no 
turning back. There is no choice but to move on down the Happy Trail of 
Sorrow."

Here you sound like an angst-ridden teenager.
  
"I could make a recommendation for you but I hesitate in doing so 
because I cannot promise how it will turn out. It could be totally wrong 
for you and, really, I have no wish to recommend what could be totally 
wrong for you." 

Please do make whatever recommendation you deem necessary and 
appropriate.  I believe you may be able to enlighten me with the wisdom 
of your years.  I mean this most sincerely, and without sarcasm.  I 
think being Asian has taught me the worth and merits of filial piety, 
which remain elusive to a lot of Westerners.   This includes Ariosto I 
think.  These days everyone's brandishing their individuality, which is 
also what I do, but I equip mine with a few other things.  Filial piety 
is one of them. These days I think a lot of people have very little 
respect.  How do you see filial piety? Do you think it's a waste of 
time?  How do you think it fits into your relationship with your kids?    


"I want a day or so to think further on this and I will tell you, again, 
what I think. Sometimes, it takes a day or so for an idea to fully take 
hold."

Likewise, I will need to extend my reply to you.

Take care,
Toshiro 

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