Date: Mon, 1 Mar 1999 21:44:10 -0500 (EST)
From: Marsha Faizi <mfaizi-AT-rbnet.com>
Subject: distrix of luv


Dear Ariosto,

I realize that you are caught up in this reverie of love with Stacey and I
think that this is plumb wonderful and everything and I hope ya'll meet and
fall in love and get married and have a whole lot of children, work in
factories and sell some real estate and have this cute little house in the
suburbs somewhere with the white picket fence where she adorns herself with
a white apron and bakes a lot of cookies and grows houseplants all over the
place and, when the kids are grown up, you have the grandkids or, if they
are not forthcoming, there is always the possibility of foster children. 

It really does work out nicely that way for some people. 

Well, the man usually ends up having to resort to prostitution or 900
numbers but that's nothing. If you are lucky, you lose your ability to have
an erection and learn to live in peace. Prozac helps with that. Ask your
family doctor.

However, before you completely give yourself over to such surburban
splendor, I have a young man whom I want you to meet and you have never
given me an answer. He lives in Ottowa, already, and he is not homosexual.
He may even have a beautiful sister or two. Do you want me to ask him? 

Ariosto, your chances with Stacey would improve somewhat if you did not, so
nakedly, exhibit your intentions. Young women have this need for delicacy
and charm. They are not so inclined to respond to straight-forward sex. 

In short, you have to lie. 

Flowers help in this lying business. Send her some flowers, already. Roses
are the most persuasive and they are better if you send them long-stemmed
and in a box rather than in a set arrangement in a vase. If she lives in a
cold climate, I recommend yellow roses because such a bright color contrasts
nicely with grey skies and ice. The brighter the better. A very nice choice
are those kind that are yellow but with pink or red edges on the petals. 

The card should be quite simple. Don't sign your name but make mention of
something that you have written to her in posting--an allusion to Bataille,
perhaps. Something poetic is a nice touch. Do you want me to compose
something for you? 

Because you have such a love of textures and textiles, send her some samples
of the textures and colors you love best so that she can touch them and
enjoy. A swatch of very fine dark green velvet is what I recommend and a
little red silk of a very fine quality. As lesser offerings, send, also, a
little black taffeta and some tatting of white lace. One small offering of
gauze and another of fur would really top things off. In addition to this,
if you can procure them in your city-setting, send some samples of moss and
lichen. If you can find some nicely polished pieces of agate and quartz,
include those things in your package. It is pleasurable to hold such smooth
stones in one's hand and she will love you for the tokens.

You cannot win a woman simply by offering your penis, son. You have to put
forth the lie of love. 

I am good at it because I have had the same lies presented to me many times
and I fell for it. I was a sucker. You have to charm, Ariosto. You have to
be smooth. 

I mean no offense to you, Stacey. I think that you are a fine writer or, at
least, you have the potential to be a fine writer. I think that it would be
interesting to read your writing if you tried capitalizing your I's and if
you used punctuation other than the .... You should try breaking your
paragraphs. 

It is amazing how such small things can strengthen the force of what you are
saying. I realize that this suggestion may seem like hogwash to you but, I
swear, it can make a huge difference. When I see someone use the small i and
the ..., I wonder if he is afraid of himself. I assure you that you have
nothing to fear. This is your mind speaking to you, Stacey. I think that you
should listen. Write it out boldly. Don't compromise. 

If you are going to be a bitch, then, be one and do not pretend otherwise.
If you want Ariosto to love you, then, bring it out in the open or,
otherwise, demur. Don't tease him. He is a very senstitive boy and easily
teased. 

As for something that you said about being unworthy of me or something to
that effect--unequal, maybe--I consider that to be bullshit. Taking it at
face value, I will give you the credit of sincerity and benefit of doubt.
But I know reality, Stacey, I am worthy of no one. I am the lowest of the
low and I cannot be flattered. 
 
I think that you should meet this young man, Ariosto. The mixture of oil
with vinegar might be unsettling but unsettling is precisely what you need.

Love, 
Marsha,
Shaheena,
Faizi
Take your pick.