Date: Wed, 10 Mar 1999 21:51:30 -0500 (EST)
From: Marsha Faizi <mfaizi-AT-rbnet.com>
Subject: Re: multi-orgasmic


At 10:45 AM 3/10/99 PST, you wrote:
>Hey there Marsha,

Hey, babe.

>Just a quick post here to ask a few questions and respond to some of the 
>things you've written recently. 
>
>"Hope is something to which one clings when one is very desperate. Since 
>I am not desperate, I have no hope at all nor any need for it."
>
>I still cling to hope because I am superstitious, but there have been 
>moments when I was no longer hopeful, and I said to hell with all the 
>superstitions that was clinging to my head.  To cling on to hope is 
>definitely a weakness where the hoper is at the mercy of whatever.  

The times when I have clung most to hope have been the times when I have
been most desperate. I reckon when I say that I have been most desperate, I
am referring to times when I desperately wanted something to turn out my
way; times when I desperately wanted something--in my case, this usually
meant that I wanted desperately for a sexual relationship to go in what I,
then, considered to be my favor--that the man would say that he loved me or
he would make some sort of commitment to me. The last time that I was rather
acutely depressed, it was bacause a man hurt me. (I set myself up for the
hurt, of course.)

I am not a Buddhist and I never will be Buddhist--people tend to make
Buddhism into this complicated matter and I despise that sort of
complication. But I think that I was fortunate in having a good friend who
is knowledgeable in some aspects of Buddhist philosophy, though he is not a
Buddhist either. Through conversations with him following this period of
extreme loss of attachment in my life--my best friend in the world (no
exaggeration--she was more than a sister to me) was killed during the time
that this man dumped me cold--I came to understand that my samsara was one
of sexuality. I came to the conclusion that, if I continued to repeat the
same delusional patterns, my behavior could kill me. I don't mean to imply
that I was a woman who was sexually promiscuous. Not at all. But I think
that my false understanding of myself as a human being was based completely
upon my sexual capability and capacity. I thought that, if I could please a
man sexually to the point of absolute perfection, then, he would bend to my
will. 

To a very large degree, dominion through sex worked. Of course, in the
process, it can be noted that I have been married to two men who were
diagnosed with chronic and deadly diseases shortly after marrying me. 

Damn, I was good! You have to admit. What a woman! 

You have to laugh, Toshiro. Please laugh.

What I came to understand was that the times that I was most desperate were
the times that I was most hopeful, therefore, most dominated by sex. 

I am forty six years old. I can tell you that many people mistake my age for
thirty six or thirty eight but, to me, that sounds false. I have no idea how
I look. However, I may look--sixty or thirty six--I know my experience. 

Therefore, I have reasoned that hope is desperation. If I am not desperate,
I have no hope nor need for hope. I have determined that I will not place
myself in such a position of desperation again. I will not be emotionally
destitute and I will not be dominated.

Does that make sense? It does to me. I would like knowing that I have
adequately conveyed the thought to you.  

For myself, that was a most powerful lesson to have learned.  

>And now for some queries, Marsha.
>Do you still feel the pangs of lust and desire?

Yes. But those pangs do not have the importance that I once delegated to them. 

>Do you still get horny?

I do but I attach no importance to it. I used to attach emotional
significance to my sexuality. I no longer attach any significance to it at all. 

>What do you think about sex for sex's sake, and fucking for the sake of 
>enjoyment and not as a means to gain an upperhand over someone?

I think that, if one is going to have sex, then, sex for the enjoyment of
sex is the only valid reason. However, I think that it is entirely possible
for one to become attached to sex for the sake of sex and that sort of
attachment can become as destructive to the human being as any other sort of
attachment. 

To use sex as a means to gain an upper hand over another person is, to me,
wrong. As I have stated above, I have certainly done that and I called it
love. "I love you. I adore you. I need you." To me, these exhortations have
become nothing except forms of lying. I think that we have been well taught
that domination can be made somewhat right if we cover it up with the lie of
love. 

In some ways, I admit that I would, very much, enjoy believing in the
fallacy of love. How lovely is delusion if you can make it last!! This is
why I sincerely wish all the best for Ariosto and Stacey. I have no faith
but I wish them well.

Splash, splash in the sea--rots uv ruck. I think they should name a daughter
after me--Shaheena-Faizi Raggo. I have this uncanny gift for matchmaking. I
only have to breathe on a man and a woman comes forth to claim him. Works
like a charm. Shall I breathe on you, Toshiro?   

Unfortunately, I know better. I think that, once you have come face-to-face
with delusional thinking or false feeling, there is no turning back. There
is no choice but to move on down the Happy Trail of Sorrow.  

It's a hard row to hoe but some of us get to do it. Not an easy path but,
for some of us, unavoidable. 

>I've been thinking about fucking as it relates to energy, Taoism, 
>Bataille's ideas.  

I cannot tell you about Taoism. I cannot even tell you about Bataille. I can
only tell you what I have learned, the hard way, from my own experience. 

I could make a recommendation for you but I hesitate in doing so because I
cannot promise how it will turn out. It could be totally wrong for you and,
really, I have no wish to recommend what could be totally wrong for you. 

>Sorry if this sounds rather vague, but I was reading some parts of The 
>Multi-Orgasmic Man at the bookstore the other day, and I was surprised 
>at how totally un-cheesy it was.  

Well, I sounded rather vague in my above paragraph but I am pondering it. 

I have no occasion for reading so I have no idea of the book to which you refer.

>The point is that it got me thinking 
>about a few things, and I was wondering if anyone here would be 
>interested in sharing some thoughts in regards to this.
>
>Hmm, how should I put this?
>
>Well, *laughter* for starters I am into the practice/habit of holding 
>orgasms.  I am talking about ACTUAL orgasms, not some literary or 
>metaphorical notions of orgasm.  

Truly, I have no regard for metaphor or literature. I am far more interested
in reality.

>Perhaps it would help to imagine that I 
>am trying to find out what you people think and perceive orgasms as it 
>relates to your other non-sexual areas of life.

An orgasm is a physical release or relief. It is also a giving away of
oneself. If you are holding them, then, my guess is that there is something
of yourself that you are in need of reserving. There is the theory of
life-sex-death, i.e., you fuck, you die. 

I think that there is a lot to this, Toshiro.

I want a day or so to think further on this and I will tell you, again, what
I think. Sometimes, it takes a day or so for an idea to fully take hold. 

>I hope this will suffice to get the ball rolling, hahahah, literally. 

I think that it is a ball worth rolling, now that we have pawned Ariosto off
on Stacey.

I always have a plan.

Faizi

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