File spoon-archives/lyotard.archive/lyotard_2003/lyotard.0303, message 16


Date: Wed, 5 Mar 2003 01:17:50 -0800
From: Judy <jaw-AT-earthlink.net>
Subject: British humour




By Terry Jones in the London Observer.

I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing Iraq: 
he's running out of patience. And so am I!

For some time now I've been really pissed off with Mr Johnson, who 
lives a couple of doors down the street. Well, him and Mr Patel, who 
runs the health food shop. They both give me queer looks, and I'm 
sure Mr Johnson is planning something nasty for me, but so far I 
haven't been able to discover what. I've been round to his place a 
few times to see what he's up to, but he's got everything well 
hidden. That's how devious he is. As for Mr Patel, don't ask me how I 
know, I just know - from very good sources - that he is, in reality, 
a Mass Murderer. I have leafleted the street telling them that if we 
don't act first, he'll pick us off one by one.

Some of my neighbours say, if I've got proof, why don't I go to the 
police? But that's simply ridiculous. The police will say that they 
need evidence of a crime with which to charge my neighbours. They'll 
come up with endless red tape and quibbling about the rights and 
wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and all the while Mr Johnson will be 
finalising his plans to do terrible things to me, while Mr Patel will 
be secretly murdering people. Since I'm the only one in the street 
with a decent range of automatic firearms, I reckon it's up to me to 
keep the peace. But until recently that's been a little difficult.

Now, however, George W. Bush has made it clear that all I need to do 
is run out of patience, and then I can wade in and do whatever I 
want! And let's face it, Mr Bush's carefully thought-out policy 
towards Iraq is the only way to bring about international peace and 
security. The one certain way to stop Muslim fundamentalist suicide 
bombers targeting the US or the UK is to bomb a few Muslim countries 
that have never threatened us. That's why I want to blow up Mr 
Johnson's garage and kill his wife and children.

Strike first! That'll teach him a lesson. Then he'll leave us in 
peace and stop peering at me in that totally unacceptable way.

Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know before bombing Iraq 
is that Saddam is a really nasty man and that he has weapons of mass 
destruction - even if no one can find them. I'm certain I've just as 
much justification for killing Mr Johnson's wife and children as Mr 
Bush has for bombing Iraq. Mr Bush's long-term aim is to make the 
world a safer place by eliminating 'rogue states' and 'terrorism'. 
It's such a clever long-term aim because how can you ever know when 
you've achieved it? How will Mr Bush know when he's wiped out all 
terrorists? When every single terrorist is dead? But then a terrorist 
is only a terrorist once he's committed an act of terror.

What about would-be terrorists? These are the ones you really want to 
eliminate, since most of the known terrorists, being suicide bombers, 
have already eliminated themselves. Perhaps Mr Bush needs to wipe out 
everyone who could possibly be a future terrorist?

Maybe he can't be sure he's achieved his objective until every Muslim 
fundamentalist is dead? But then some moderate Muslims might convert 
to fundamentalism. Maybe the only really safe thing to do would be 
for Mr Bush to eliminate all Muslims? It's the same in my street. Mr 
Johnson and Mr Patel are just the tip of the iceberg. There are 
dozens of other people in the street who I don't like and who - quite 
frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one will be really safe until 
I've wiped them all out. My wife says I might be going too far but I 
tell her I'm simply using the same logic as the President of the 
United States. That shuts her up. Like Mr Bush, I've run out of 
patience, and if that's a good enough reason for the President, it's 
good enough for me. I'm going to give the whole street two weeks - 
no, 10 days - to come out in the open and hand over all aliens and 
interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws and interstellar terrorist 
masterminds, and if they don't hand them over nicely and say 'Thank 
you', I'm going to bomb the entire street to kingdom come. It's just 
as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing - and, in contrast to 
what he's intending, my policy will destroy only one street.


-- 

"Reality is nothing more that a stubbornly persistent illusion" - 
Albert Einstein.

   

Driftline Main Page

 

Display software: ArchTracker © Malgosia Askanas, 2000-2005