File spoon-archives/marxism-international.archive/marxism-international_1996/96-12-19.094, message 74


From: "Wes Beal" <wlbeal-AT-ksu.edu>
Date: Wed, 18 Dec 1996 16:35:56 -0600
Subject: M-I: (Fwd) Worth sharing



To:  The North Pole Family
From: Santa
Subj:  North Pole Downsizing

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the
early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about
whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisisions at
the North Pole.

Streamlining was appropiate as the North Pole no longer dominates the
season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order
catalogues have diminished our market share and we can not sit idly by and
permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late
model Japanese sled for my annual trip. Improved productivity from  Dasher
and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard  Business School, is anticipated and
should take up the slack, with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in
reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the
North has been cited and received unfavorable press.

I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be
disturbed. Tradition still counts here at the North Pole. Management denies,
in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got
that way due to substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the
sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment,
made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of the when
helpers are known to be under executive stress.

Today's global challenges require the North Pole continually to look for
better, more competitive measures. Effective immediately, the following
economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" program:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the
cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant,
providing consideraable savings in maintenance.

The two Turtle Doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost
effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be
condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the
French.

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with
a call-waitung option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds
have been calling, and how often and how long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative
implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious
metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appears to be
in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded.
It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day
is an example of decline in productivity.Three geese will be let go, and an
upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that
>from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The
function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current
swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, and thereby enhance their
outplacement  opportunities.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny
by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the work force is being sought.The more
militant maids consider this a dead-end  job with no upward mobility.
Automation of the  process may permit the maids to try a-mending,
a-mentoring, or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number.This function will be
phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer execute the
steps.

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the  expense of
international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest
 replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability
may be somewhat compromised, the savings would be significant, as we expect
an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the
band's getting too big.  The substitution of a string quartet, with a cutback
on new music and no uniforms, will produce savings  which will drop right
down to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals, and
other expenses.  Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching
deliveries over twelve days is  not cost-efficient. Service levels would be
considerably  improved by drop-shipping in one day.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by  the Attorney's Association seeking  expansion
to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is
pending.

Lastly it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in
the future to stay competetive. Should that occur, the Board will request
management to investigate the Snow White program to see if  seven dwarfs are
really required.

Happy Holidays ! ! !

Santa

-



Wes Beal
1027 Houston
Manhattan, Ks.  66502
(913)539-0487
wlbeal-AT-ksu.edu


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