From: "Wes Beal" <wlbeal-AT-ksu.edu> Date: Wed, 18 Dec 1996 16:35:56 -0600 Subject: M-I: (Fwd) Worth sharing To: The North Pole Family From: Santa Subj: North Pole Downsizing The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisisions at the North Pole. Streamlining was appropiate as the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished our market share and we can not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture. The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for my annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack, with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North has been cited and received unfavorable press. I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts here at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way due to substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of the when helpers are known to be under executive stress. Today's global challenges require the North Pole continually to look for better, more competitive measures. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" program: The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing consideraable savings in maintenance. The two Turtle Doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated. The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French. The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call-waitung option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, and how often and how long they talked. The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appears to be in order. The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of decline in productivity.Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that >from now on every goose it gets will be a good one. The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, and thereby enhance their outplacement opportunities. As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the work force is being sought.The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-mulching. Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number.This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer execute the steps. Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat compromised, the savings would be significant, as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year. Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band's getting too big. The substitution of a string quartet, with a cutback on new music and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line. We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals, and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is not cost-efficient. Service levels would be considerably improved by drop-shipping in one day. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the Attorney's Association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending. Lastly it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competetive. Should that occur, the Board will request management to investigate the Snow White program to see if seven dwarfs are really required. Happy Holidays ! ! ! Santa - Wes Beal 1027 Houston Manhattan, Ks. 66502 (913)539-0487 wlbeal-AT-ksu.edu --- from list marxism-international-AT-lists.village.virginia.edu ---
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