Date: Mon, 7 Oct 1996 19:38:04 -0400 (EDT)
From: Connie Tchir <ctchir-AT-chass.utoronto.ca>
Subject: Re: gossip


Lakshmi & Radhika,

I thank-you both for the replies, I find them really interesting!  Gives
me quite a different perspective(s) - could I impose on your openness just
a little longer?...

On Mon, 7 Oct 1996, Radhika wrote:
> 
> I think the effects of gossip - for me - were worse in India than here,
> but that may be becuase overhere, i can opt to stay away from
> all that - to a certain extent. In India, since I am from within that
> society, it was hardr to stay away...

Were they worse for you because of being in the middle of the gossip, or
because of being the subject of it [due to your time "outside" the
society?  I guess I am referring to Lakshmi's post about those who are in
the "diaspora" being more suspect because of the outside influences and
the general distrust of other societies.  I am curious as this last part,
the distrust, is something that typifies gossip in my own [Slavic]
culture.  The difference being that, within my own [IMHO], I have found
that gossip rebounds moreso on those who spread it or listen to it and not
on the actual subject.  Though North American mores are questionable to
the older generation, it still remains under the rubric of "economic
paradise" and anyone attached to it is deemed lucky and/or more
respectable somehow.

Before I reply directly to one of Lakshmi's posts, I would like to say
that I love the personal touch that both of you bring to your explanations
- the poetry is wonderful and expressive, and personal anecdotes bring
points home so much faster and efficiently.  I appreciate the warmth and
tone of this! 

 > On Sun, 6 Oct 1996, Lakshmi Gopinathan Nair wrote:

> I think the effect of gossip on individuals is pretty subjective.  Some
> people can shrug it off pretty easily.  But it can become pretty difficult
> to do that because a person's reputation is seen to reflect on their
> entire family.  Thus guilt plays a pretty hefty role.

Now this I can truly relate to with regards to the parents - the rest of
the family seems to escape judgement somehow in my culture - but the
mother definitely is considered at fault for behaviour, moreso than the
father.  But there still remains a distance whereby a child past a certain
age is seen as responsible for whatever s/he does - and this extends
moreso to males than to females.  Females tend to be judged as weaker,
perhaps easier to "persuade?", males are expected to prove themselves
"men."  Whatever that means.  Does the age of the subject of gossip
determine the extent of the effects on the family?

> potentially "corrupting" elements to be wary of.  Values (particularly
> sexual values) get tied up with notions of ethnic identity--a concept 
> which is more or less unique to the diasporic context.  There seems to be
> a strong sense of inclusion and exclusion working.  People become either
> "good Indians" or "Americanized," which suggests a denial of
> "culture/identity."  It sometimes reaches ridiculously malicious
> proportions.

This was something I never realized!  It's certainly true that when you
leave to become part of the diaspora, you take on extra responsibility in
this area, and in that of representing your race to the outside world.
Much as you may not wish to.

> I think that may be because in South Asia, gossip generally
> tends to remain within the context of large extended families, whereas
> outside S.Asia, that family element is lost.  So there is often no love
> lost between members of a "community."  And the nuclear family takes on
> such a prominent position that protecting the reputation of the family
> takes on such a huge emotional significance.  "Family is all we have
> here..." etc.  This may be true in the bigger cities in South Asia too.

Very good point - I am beginning to understand much moreso how serious a
point of contention gossip can be for different cultures.  Within my own,
I think this "huge emotional significance" gets transferred into issues of
marrying within the culture and upholding the language itself as a sign of
not turning your back on your family.  As a sign of proving their
respectability and value through propagation of their values/traditions.

I thank-you both again for a very informative group of postings!  Very
appreciated and even more illuminating!  Connie