File spoon-archives/sa-cyborgs.archive/sa-cyborgs_1997/sa-cyborgs.9710, message 10


Date: Sat, 18 Oct 1997 07:20:36 -0400 (EDT)
From: Cyberdiva <radhik-AT-bgnet.bgsu.edu>
Subject: this morning


this morning, my thoughts
my emotions
threatened to explode out of my nightly dreams
so i let myself
wake

	was it the Cixous i fell asleep reading?
	was it the Chandra who i repeatedly played as i worked
	was it the woman who was once physically a man

was it my state of being alone

	or after so many years, being once-again in touch with a close,
close friend/sister over-the-seas

	or not wanting to think of an adolescence i am
						missing

seeing in text...and hearing as a voice...

or was it... the woman who was once a man
the person with a brilliant mind who is being watched by audiences
in the academy

	and yet modem butterfly here in cyberspace
	is as unreal or real as ever
perhaps

		for me s/he was the wo/man who performs on stage
		the emotions of Satyabhama

but for many of the rest was a per
formance
of post
modernity

		trans-
gender if you want


	and i indulge my thought/emotion and fancy
as if
i had the luxury of wallowing in...

melancholia

perhaps

like the consumptive male poets
"romantic"

	yet i must do other things
	fix that bad address thingy on the poco list
	(but that too is my luxury - my "for-my-self" chore that asked to 
		do - it may never get me tenure, nor clean my apartment or
the one 5 hours away)

	so the useful things i could be doing this morning in
stead
	re-write that article - send it in for publication
	work on that multimedia project (that's your *job* dammit)

	prepare and re-prepare for the defense

brood over the 14 year-old's homework and try to call them 
again
and try to make my presence felt

		prepare and re-prepare for that defense

as Sheila translates

for me
with her music

as Deirdre translates
for me
with her life's performance/reality

as Cixous translates for me
theory to poetry

				yet i am none of these.

(or go to the gym and burn off some more calories, be the ideal woman!)

	yet i am none of these...

nethi 
nethi
nethi
	not this
	not this
	not this

if you want to know if i am
	or even if u don't care
		what i am - or not

i am not that

	

_____________________________
Radhika Gajjala
(Multimedia and the Internet)
Dept of Telecommunications
316B West Hall
Bowling Green State University,
Bowling Green OH 43403

(419) 372-0528
______________________________
http://ernie.bgsu.edu/~radhik
_______________________________


   

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