Date: Mon, 10 Jul 2000 07:04:25 -0400
Subject: (no subject)


i left

is that all you remember?

do you even remember that?

i was young
you younger

can daughters
not
keep the
il
legitimate his
stories of families
her stories

who will validate these stories but us il
legal
sisters?
all four of us...
in pre-memory
and affect...


it make sense now...

why i can't tell stories
and
thats all you think you do

why i have never been able to sing as well as you
why i no longer sing

where is my history?

I left it with you when i left...
i en
trusted
you more than myself
not realising how sincerely and zealously you would guard them in your
heart


young as i was

not
knowing

not
understanding


how our stories would never be told
unless
we told them to each other
first

i left

and because it was too much of a responsibility
for a small child to carry
my load
my share of the story - telling

you for
got
me

the stories we made together all three and four of us
our secrets
are secrets
sub
merged
in
memories
pre-memories


and still you tell stories
with
beauty
and
responsibility

the child who was told to stay in place and make up more and more so she
would remember until the parent returned

my stories are with you
let them go

yours are with mine
i must show you what i have saved in jealous anxiety
when you left
and then
when i left

can we share them again?
can we be whole again?

renegotiating our relationship
as our
children need us
to be whole-hearted
mothers...

acknowledging stories
il
legitimitate
secrets
shared in upstairs corner rooms...


if these are our secrets why do i expose them to strangers who do not
know?
to whom we may never explain?

mothering
stories
are
al
ways
il
legitimate

for the family Historians write
his
stories
not hers

not ours....

but it happened
you must believe.....


--
****************************************************
Radhika Gajjala
http://www.cyberdiva.org/
http://www.cyberdiva.org/stuff.html
http://lingua.utdallas.edu:7000/4425/
http://moo.hawaii.edu:7000/599/